Post by Nina Stenet on Mar 11, 2011 6:30:19 GMT -5
(OOC: This isn't really a scene but something I'm writing for character development purposes - the poor woman needs to think about things. OOC commentary is welcome, if you wanna.)
It's over... finally Nina can say that it's over. Or at least it's over physically; she's alone and at home for the first time since she left for work the morning before it all happened. But a part of her emotions are still trapped in that room, listening to the silence after a gunshot. And they will stay there until she lets them come out and confronts them. She couldn't have handled them then; she'd had her own survival and safety to work out, but now that she knows that she's alive and safe she can't wait any longer. It will be painful, but in the end it will be less painful than keeping the emotions suppressed and the longer she avoids the task, the harder it will be.
When she allows her mind to go back to that moment, the pain is nearly unbearable. She finds herself pacing back and forth through the apartment, searching her feelings for the right way to manage them. But after a moment, she hits upon a solid idea and grabs notebook out of her briefcase. Writing down her thoughts and feelings should help - the process of putting such things into words makes them seem more solid and able to be worked with. And it's easy enough to work out a system - anything she writes that her logic rejects immediately is crossed out (lying to herself won't help anything) and conclusions that actually speak to her emotions are underlined as she writes one thought that's causing her pain at a time and tries to address it. And she starts at the very top.
And she finds herself coming up with an overall conclusion that answers all of what still pains her:
By now Nina is feeling a lot better. It still hurts, but now it's a manageable ache - primarily a deep sorrow that any of it happened at all. And she knows that it will ease over time and she can live with it. And she realizes something else: she's exhausted. However long the chloroform knocked her out, that didn't really count as sleep, and between the physical, mental, and emotional stress that she's been under she could really use some rest. And if what she's sorted out already in her notebook isn't enough to let her mind rest, then she can certainly use her gift to help her fall asleep. But she knows that there's more left to write...
It's over... finally Nina can say that it's over. Or at least it's over physically; she's alone and at home for the first time since she left for work the morning before it all happened. But a part of her emotions are still trapped in that room, listening to the silence after a gunshot. And they will stay there until she lets them come out and confronts them. She couldn't have handled them then; she'd had her own survival and safety to work out, but now that she knows that she's alive and safe she can't wait any longer. It will be painful, but in the end it will be less painful than keeping the emotions suppressed and the longer she avoids the task, the harder it will be.
When she allows her mind to go back to that moment, the pain is nearly unbearable. She finds herself pacing back and forth through the apartment, searching her feelings for the right way to manage them. But after a moment, she hits upon a solid idea and grabs notebook out of her briefcase. Writing down her thoughts and feelings should help - the process of putting such things into words makes them seem more solid and able to be worked with. And it's easy enough to work out a system - anything she writes that her logic rejects immediately is crossed out (lying to herself won't help anything) and conclusions that actually speak to her emotions are underlined as she writes one thought that's causing her pain at a time and tries to address it. And she starts at the very top.
Heather's death is my fault.No, no, she needs to go deeper than that!It's all the Riddler's fault.
She reviews that list, looking at it carefully in an attempt to see if she missed anything at all, starting at the museum; even one missing reason for her decisions would be unacceptable here. But instead she sees something else.What decisions did I make that lead to this?Why did I make the decisions that let up to this in the way that I did? Because: I was afraid of the Riddler. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. I underestimated the Riddler when I first met him. I know I'm a terrible actress. I don't like being patronized. I'm easily annoyed by arrogance. I don't like to fight. My work is my top priority. I'm not easily intimidated. I try to find peaceful ways out of dangerous situations. I'm stubborn. I'm honest. I don't run away from what I can't get away from. I underestimate the deviousness and cruelty of bad people. I see my life as more valuable to humanity than that of others. I have no tolerance for people who play with the lives of others. I can't allow myself to be controlled.
My only fault throughout this was being an imperfect person.And as she writes that conclusion, she feels it as well. Most of guilt seems to simply melt away into something tiny: She's imperfect. And it's perfectly okay to be imperfect. This realization doesn't make the guilt go away entirely, but now it's at a level that fits her crime. And there are more painful thoughts to tackle.
Heather died for something not worth the price of her life.Not enough.
Her death proved to me and (perhaps) to the Riddler that I can't be forced into using my gift.
It saved my life, and because of that she indirectly saved the lives of everyone I save from now on.Still not enough.
Her life, like anyone's, is invaluable. I will never be able to make up for that, but I will try.The lessening of her sadness about the situation is marginal, but welcome. It would seem wrong to her if what happened didn't feel terrible to her anyway. That's not the point of this exercise; it's to bring the pain to a realistic level, not remove it.
I should have tried to save both of us anyway.Having started at the strongest pain, each question that rises to the surface becomes easier.
I don't know that I could have. It might have killed both of us. I couldn't weigh the odds of the situation, so I had to do what seemed less risky at the time.
And she finds herself coming up with an overall conclusion that answers all of what still pains her:
A terrible person put me in a terrible situation and terrible things happened. At worst it was minimally my fault, and on top of that it was meant to hurt me so the more I let it hurt me the more that terrible person won.Let her stubbornness and unwillingness to be controlled do battle against her misery - they will win!
By now Nina is feeling a lot better. It still hurts, but now it's a manageable ache - primarily a deep sorrow that any of it happened at all. And she knows that it will ease over time and she can live with it. And she realizes something else: she's exhausted. However long the chloroform knocked her out, that didn't really count as sleep, and between the physical, mental, and emotional stress that she's been under she could really use some rest. And if what she's sorted out already in her notebook isn't enough to let her mind rest, then she can certainly use her gift to help her fall asleep. But she knows that there's more left to write...